Preserving Providers: An Interview with Chan on Immigration, Caregiving, and Finding Motivation

Editor’s note: Welcome to Preserving Providers, the first in our series in which we interview caregivers about their stories to destigmatize caregiving, encourage youth journalism, and support those who so selflessly dedicate themselves to others.

Chan is a 79-year-old Korean immigrant. He came to America with his wife, Sun, in 1974 to open a martial arts school. Sun was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2017. 

Q: Tell me about yourself. What is one of your proudest accomplishments? A: I had a dream to come to the United States to teach martial arts. That [was] my dream. There were a lot of challenges[s] to [assimilate] to [a] new culture, new language, new friends, and everything. But I'm so proud of myself [that] I had [the] special skills and knowledge to teach [Taekwondo] to new people in America. I’ve achieved my goal-being a pioneer and frontier of Korean martial arts.  

Q: What is your greatest quality?

A: I have motivation. When I was in elementary school, my teacher gave me advice for the future to go to America to [teach] martial arts.  That makes me set the goal to prepare for that and [train] hard. 

Q: Can you briefly describe your caregiving role and who you care for? What was your relationship to them prior to being a caregiver?

A: We had a very special relationship. Both of us were so lucky. I'm [such a] happy man [to have] found Sun. I met her in Korea in 1972. [We dated] for a year and a half. We [had] the same goal and dream to come to the United States. We started working hard together to raise my son and daughter. Sun worked hard. She was an English literature major so she had no problem adapting to work, but language [was] not my major so it was very difficult.

She is so smart and intelligent and [has a] sense of humor, and she's such a nice lady. She worked for the state of Missouri as a social worker for 33 years. We supported each other and [had a] lovely relationship. The goal for retirement someday [was to] enjoy the rest of our golden time with the grandchildren, but [it was] unexpected that she got sickness [sic] and we [were] so disappointed and sad. But I’m proud of myself to [take] care of Sun for as long as I can. That’s the power of love. That’s life. We have a very special family. I am so proud [of them] but I’m so sad that Sun cannot enjoy [too] because she doesn’t remember. 

Q: What does a typical day look like for you?

A: I wake up [at] about 4:00 a.m. I change Sun’s diapers and take care [of everything] in the bathroom and [put her back] to bed. Then I go to the drive range for an hour. Golf is my best hobby and it’s not too hard for seniors. I wish to play the 18-hole but it’s too much time. I cannot play and take care of Sun. Just one hour to get away- it’s okay, manageable. I have a CCTV [camera] in her room to check up on her. I come back home and feed Sun breakfast. 

Once a week I go out to buy groceries. I used to [not be able to] get away any minutes [sic] because Sun wouldn’t stay in bed or stay calm. But since a couple years [ago], she’s started a common, quiet, no-activity [routine]. Before that, I didn’t have any free time of my own and I was really [in a] depression. The last past many, many years, It has been really bad. I can read books and do something in my own time now. I still have to care for Sun: feeding and cutting hair and toenails and [putting her to] bed, cleaning, walking her [around the house], everything. But that’s no problem.

Q: What have you had to give up in this process?

A: Since we found [out] about her dementia, I have to take care of Sun. I cannot leave her [at home] so I cannot [have] my own social life, meet with friends, or my hobbies like golf. Everything stopped. It was really tough. I had to change my mindset. I set a new life. I was born again.

I told myself, “I have to change myself to care for Sun.” Then I accepted it and could care for myself and for Sun. That's the life you know, I have to accept it. I have to do it. 

It’s a tough life. When you get old, everybody [faces] that kind of situation, you know. It’s nature- become old and sick and die. You have to accept it.

Q: What is a mantra you live by?

A: Every day, I try to be happy. I try to think about “today’s my youngest day” and “today’s my last day” and “today’s my most happy and thankful [day] and [I] should try to be good.”

Q: What do you do when you feel tired or just need a break?

A: I do exercise [on] my own. My major [was] physical education, so I know how to take care of myself, and I keep in good shape and nutrition. I cook food and write books. These really help [to] relieve stress.

Q: When you’re feeling down, what words or actions could someone do that you would appreciate?

Since Sun’s situation, I learned about the value [of] life. I learned about “how do I care for Sun”, [but] more than that, “how do I care [for] other people who need help?” From [being a caregiver] I understand better and learned myself with experience. I feel more sympathy and compassion.

So similarly, other people [can] help me if they know [or have] experienced that kind of situation. They will understand me better.

Now that I have experience with this kind of bad situation, I now understand other people's and I feel like I want to help them. I want to share with them [the] attitude [I used to feel] born again.

Q: What have you realized throughout this journey?

A: I'm so lucky to have family. My son, daughter and grandkids visit every weekend. That [gives] me energy and releases my stress. Without family there with me, I may exhaust and [be in] really big trouble. But since my family helps me on weekends, it helps a lot. I'm so proud [of] my family.